American Apologies

Former congressman Mark Foley had things pretty good up until 2006. He was a moderate Republican who had been serving since 1995, and was chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, which introduced legislation targeting sexual predators and created stricter guidelines for tracking them. The ultimate irony was that Foley was found out in 2006 to be soliciting e-mails and sexually suggestive instant messages to teenage boys who had formerly served as congressional pages. Foley had come under fire from conservatives earlier in his career for being potentially homosexual, but when it was revealed that he had engaged in lewd behavior with impressionable pages, there was no side to defend him. Based on most accounts, he had engaged in sexually explicit talks with male pages of all ages (16+) periodically from 1995 to 2005, and potentially had some form of sex with ex-pages who were of age. It was reported that Foley himself was a victim of sexual assault by an unnamed clergyman as a child, his inappropriate conversations were the result of a secret alcohol problem, and he was gay but not a pedophile. Foley made the obvious move by resigning, and headed to rehab for his alcohol problem. Ultimately, he was not charged with any crime, but Foley’s misconduct highlights the questionable ethics of congressmen who are there to serve, but end up serving themselves in disturbing ways.

You may think that I’m referring to the intelligent yet geeky buffoon from the hilariously embarrassing American television show Saved by the Bell, but I’m actually referring to Dustin Diamond, the obnoxious dickhead who played him all those years ago. Long after the show had ended, it was clear that Diamond has been typecast, and so he continued to feature in Saved by the Bell spinoffs up until 2000. Like other former child stars who are unable to move on, Diamond decided to cling on to fame for all its worth. He wrote a “tell-all” book about what happened behind the scenes of Saved by the Bell, he alleged debt to manipulate people into donating and buying things from him, and was accused of failing to make payments as well as ditching on taxes. The worst of all this might be the leak (reportedly him) of a sex tape in 2006 which he later marketed as Saved by the Smell. The title probably refers to the infamous end which involved a dirty sanchez. What could Scr…err…Diamond do to follow such an act? Well, he made an appearance on Celebrity Fit Club on VH1 where he acted like a total douche for the entirety of the season. Where can you find him now? Who cares, it’s Screech after all.

Here’s a look at what readers think should be apologized for, as well as other submitted comments.

1. “In disagreement with the submission comment about Playboy and hip-hop: The idea that you should apologize for hip-hop or Playboy is a bit ludicrious. Hip-hop started off in a good place. Perhaps apologizing for what happened to hip-hop may be better, but that still implies that the entire genre is bad when there are plenty of conscious rappers still out there, just less prevalent. Also, Playboy, in it’s beginnings, wasn’t that evil. Even now, they donate so much money and time into Feminist and Women Friendly organizations, that I cannot imagine truly harboring a grudge over Playboy. It’s run by a woman for goodness sakes. Perhaps women-on-women sexism needs to be apologized for, and why our patriarchy has condoned and even created such sexism. White privilege is another thing that should be apologized for, I can’t imagine anyone disagreeing after reading ‘Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack’.” - Submitted by andreaisace

2. “So, we apologize for a lot of Republicans. & that’s all good because there are a lot of stupid ones. But, try giving a shout out to the stupid Democrats to. They exist. I’m a moderate, and my Dad could get into this page but he is Republican and feels targeted by the ‘Liberal [leftist in his words] angle of this site’. Throw him a couple democrats to chew on; this is the only time his 63-year-old-self goes on the internet, EVER. Please and Thank You.” - Submitted by mj-hr

3. “Our criticisms of the Vancouver Olympics. http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/02/16/olympics_canadians_strike_back” - Submitted by Anonymous

4. “I would like an apology for relentless spreading your television throughout the world on the uneding mission to erradicate non-american programming. I for one want some UK culture back, oh and stop shoving your horrendous pop music down our throats!!!” - Submitted by adamprotz

5. “I think America should appologize for having a ‘queen bee’ affect. Americans like the leader of a high school clique seem to feel like they are the shit because they are the richest blah blah blah. They seem to have the same idea that ‘they don’t like me because they’re jealous’. HAHAHa they don’t like you because like a bitchy teen girl. America is a stuck up ignorant bitch. I love america but its true.” - Submitted by herestotheweekends

Hated by critics and people of all different backgrounds, GG Allin is still probably one of the most notorious American shock rockers to ever live. He’s been called filthy, amoral, dangerous, vile, and crude. And that’s by the people who liked him. If you hear the man’s music and you read about him, it’ll become quite clear that he was simply an attention-starved opportunist who took advantage of the media’s sensitivity by staging some of the most grotesque stunts. His music was quite bad, alternating between bad country, bad spoken word, and bad punk rock. His lack of musical skill wasn’t even the point, however, as most people went to see him to witness his wild stage shows, which consisted of shitting and pissing onstage, rolling in shit and often eating his own shit, performing naked, cutting himself, and attacking audience members. He was infamous for his frequent suicide threats, incendiary appearances on Jerry Springer’s show, and in late 1989 when he was arrested and charged with rape and torture of a female acquaintance. According to Allin, he cut her, burned her, and drank her blood, however she did the same thing to him so it was fine in his head. He later agreed to a plea bargain and served in jail for almost two years. He eventually died of a heroin overdose at a party in 1993. His grave is frequently vandalized with urine, cigarette butts, feces and alcohol by fans, which is a surprisingly fitting tribute. GG Allin is another example of how just about anyone can get famous in America, for better or worse.

Criticisms of Richard Nixon will definitely make an appearance on this site eventually, but for now it’s worth looking at his less-referenced Vice President, Spiro Agnew. Agnew had one of the fastest rises in U.S. political history, going from his first election as County Executive to Vice President in six years. His Vice Presidency was the highest-ranking United States political office ever reached by either a Greek American citizen or a Marylander, and yet all this would get fucked up because he was greedy and took bribes as a Governor of Maryland. During his tenure as Vice President to Nixon, he was known for his strange alliteration in speeches (“nattering nabobs of negativism”) and for being generally aloof. Nixon resented Agnew for being less visionary and even planned on abandoning him for the 1972 election before reconsidering. Agnew, who had used his position of power to make friends with celebrities such as Frank Sinatra and Bob Hope, resigned as Vice President and then pleaded no contest to criminal charges of tax evasion in 1973, the beginning in a long series of problems for the Nixon administration. Tax evasion was sweet talk for what was really his taking bribes amounting to about $250,000, which he would later pay back to Maryland in 1983 after being sued by people that thought he got off too easy (which he did). He remains the only Vice President to ever resign because of criminal charges.

How exactly does one go from teenage American to Taliban fighter in Afghanistan? When John Walker Lindh was found in Afghanistan during the 2001 invasion, the U.S. citizen was captured during a violent Taliban prison uprising where American CIA officer Johnny “Mike” Spann was killed. The skinny and disheveled Lindh that appeared all over the media as a traitor didn’t resemble the fresh-faced American boy you’d expect him to be. Instead, he looked like a young George Harrison who hadn’t bathed in weeks. Lindh had a pretty normal California life, other than the fact that he had an intestinal disorder and his parents were separated because his father was gay. As a teen, Lindh took to the internet with his love for hip hop and after seeing the film Malcolm X, he became infatuated with Islam. Unfortunately, he took that “revolutionary” phase every white kid goes through a little too seriously, and decided to head to the Middle East to fight for the Taliban. Way to get back at your parents John! Sure, Lindh is a traitor and deserves his 20 year prison sentence, but the lesson to be learned here is that extremism isn’t tied to any specific people, but simply the individuals responsible.

Islamophobia in America has been especially rampant since the 9/11 attacks. It is defined as the dread or hatred of Islam, as well as the perception that Islam has no values in common with other cultures and is inferior to the West. Some even wrongfully suggest that Islam is a violent political ideology rather than a religion. This religious paranoia is disturbing and prejudice, and islamophobes tend to be ignorant people who think just because someone has a turban or the last name Khan, then they are obviously a terrorist. Such notions are horribly misguided, but they have become more and more common as the years have gone by. Who could forget all of the attacks against President Obama suspecting him of being a Muslim. First of all, so what if he was a Muslim, would that make him less fit to be President? And secondly, the implication that being a Muslim connotes violence or being untrustworthy is disgusting, considering the horrible things done by people of all religions. There are terrorists of all shapes and sizes, and there is no denying that. And it’s not like Islamic extremists are representative of the Muslim community as a whole, considering Islam is the second-largest religion in the world and the largest Muslim country is Indonesia (not in the Middle East!). The reality is that while 9/11 caused a lot of trauma for our nation, taking it out on innocent citizens is not the way to go about healing ourselves.

Earning the nickname “Queen of Mean”, the late New York billionaire hotel operator and real estate investor Leona Helmsley was well known for her reputation as a complete bitch. She gained her success through years of social and business climbing, not to mention her marriage to real estate mogul Harry Helmsley. Despite all the riches she could imagine, she was known for being a tyrannical boss whose bad attitude seemed ill-suited for the hotel industry. The slightest mistake was usually grounds for firing, and Helmsley was known to shout insults and obscenities at employees just before they were fored. It was reported that she made an employee get on his knees and beg for his job after getting a tiny bit of water on her saucer. Karma finally answered back, and following allegations by unpaid contractors that work done on her home had been charged to her company, she was investigated and convicted of federal income tax evasion and other crimes in 1989. Although she received a sentence of 16 years, she was required to serve only 19 months in prison. During her trial, a former housekeeper testified that she had heard Helmsley say infamously: “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes…”. In 2002, Helmsley was sued by a former employee who alleged that he was fired solely for being homosexual. A jury agreed and she had to pay almost $600,000 to him. After her death in 2007, she gave her Maltese, Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, which was subsequently reduced to $2 million less than a year later by a judge. Regardless of where her money ultimate went, it was obvious she preferred dogs to humans (she had few friends), and her will was evidence enough that she was willing to take her bitchiness to the grave.

Kirby Dick’s amazing 2006 documentary This Film is Not Yet Rated is about how ridiculous and harmful the Motion Picture Association of America’s rating system is, as well as its effect on American culture. Check it out if you haven’t.

Conservative lawyer Roy Cohn first gained prominence doing numerous anti-Communist cases in the 1950s, including the conviction of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. He was enlisted by Joseph McCarthy (yes, the batshit insane one) to investigate Communist infiltration. Cohn became known for his aggressive questioning of suspected Communists, as he targeted many government officials and cultural figures not only for suspected Communist sympathies, but also for alleged homosexuality. What many suspected was really true, however, and Cohn was in fact also a homosexual as well. This only makes what he did all the more wrong. After McCarthy and Cohn’s investigations were criticized heavily for their ethically questionable nature, Cohn would later resign from his post and go into private practice. After years of success, numerous investigations would put into question his business ethics and his practice of law. In 1984, Cohn was diagnosed with AIDS, but still refused to have his homosexuality or disease recognized by the public, and said he was dying of liver cancer. He lost his law license during the last month of his life in 1986. Cohn’s infamous persona was later referenced in an episode of The Simpsons, where money management guru Chuck Garabedian explains that he got his suit cheap “because Roy Cohn died in it.”